THE TECHIE DECLARATION  
We hold this truth to be self-evident:  That all techies are created superior.

GENESIS
In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director said, "Let there be Lights!" and the techies worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting--yea, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the Technical Director saw the lights, that there were well-aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and morning were the First Day.

And the Technical Director looked upon the actors and saw taht although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the Technical Director was moved to pity. And the Technical Director said, "Let there be a Set!" and the techies scrambled and worked, and there was a Set, with platforms, wagons, stairs and furniture of various types and sizes, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the Technical Director saw the Set, that it was good, and the evening and morning were the Second Day.

And the Technical Director saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the Technical Director was moved to pity. And the Technical Director said, "Let there be Props!" and the techies worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were Props. And they were good, and the evening and morning were the Third Day.

And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!" and the techies did cut and sew and shape, and there were Costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and in keeping with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the Costumes, that they were good, and the evening and morning were the Fourth Day.

And the Technical Director watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the Technical Director said, "Let there be Sound!" and the techies worked and taped, and there were Sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the Technical Director heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day. And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient techies in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

PROVERBS
Behold, my son, here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.
I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East, and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
IV. Speak not in the language of the techie to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
V.Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
VI. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
VII. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall strike and then party.
VIII. Remember always that the Technical Director is never wrong. If it appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
IX. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
X. Beware of actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
XI. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
XII. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
XIII. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
XIV. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done--then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
XV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport.

WORDS TO THE TECHIES
Remember always that thou art a techie, born to walk in the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.

Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.

My friends, be not decieved by deluded actors masquerading as techies. Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true techie:  they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage, ever watchful, ever vigilant; they can speak with secret knowledge of Tools; they respect another's craft and aid where they can. They do not just stand and watch but wait to serve.

Go Thou and Do Likewise.

Amen.

TECHSODUS
And lo, as the year begins, so is the Duct Tape delivered unto the Techies, who do revere and worship the Duct Tape. And, soon, does the Duct Tape leave the store, to be used by the Techies in pursuit of excellence in their techie activities, and also in variosu activities with fair Techie maidens. And, the head Techies do soon become worried at the amount of Duct Tape used, for while much use of Duct Tape does surely lead to a higher plane of Techie existence, the year must be split in two:  sixt months of plenty, following the delivery of Duct Tape unto the Techies, and six months of famine, when the Duct Tape must surely run out.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LUKE
Our amps are switched off
The Cans are not patched into the PA
The Masters are down
The loudspeakers are disconnected
THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU!

THE TEN TECH COMMANDMENTS
1. Love thy gaffer as thou would love thyself.
2. Honor thy Stage Manager and thy Director.
3. Thou shalt not get caught in light.
4. Thou shalt not talk louder than a whisper.
5. Thou shalt not covet another tech's headset, torch or blacks.
6. Thou shalt not drop things from the fly tower or catwalk.
7. Thou shalt not crave sustenance other than coffee and cigarettes.
8. Thou shalt not kill another techie. Actors not included.
9. Thou shalt assist the actor when walking through the wings of darkness.
10. Thou shalt be as God-like as possible--fast, quiet, and efficient.

THE TECHNICIAN'S PRAYER
Our father, who art in France, Fresnel be thy name.
Our time will come when our set is done, here,
As it is done in Los Angeles.
Give us this day our daily hammering,
And forgive us of our mistakes,
As we forgive those actors
Who think they can do the show without us.
And lead us not into an angry stage manager,
But deliver us from wood knots,
For thine is the stage brace, the leader tape and the scene shop,
From cue 1 to 89.
A cue.

SHORT TECHIE PRAYER
Lord, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to hide the bodies of the actors I had to kill because they pissed me off.

SONG OF THE STAGE HANDS
We work in the winds at various things
That nobody sees from the stalls:
You don't think  of us unless there's a fuss
And bits of the scenery falls.
But what would be seen of the old Fairy Queen
If the Palace came down on her head?
The actors may bark: but if they're in the dark
It don't matter what Shakespeare said.
It's the same thing wherever you go:
The bloke in the front gets the show.
But where would he be if it wasn't for we--
Working away in the wings?
It looks all serene: you see a new scene--
Form the bed-chamber, say, to the yacht.
But you'd change your mind
If you came round behind
And saw what a job we have got.
We lower the mast but the damn thing sticks fast;
The rigging is foul of the punt.
We push houses round,
But we don't make a sound,
For the hero's proposing in front.
And then, when we change to the wood
With the moon coming up as it should,
Well, give us a hand, the invisible band
Working away in the wings.
But still we're all proud
That we're part of the crowd
That's pulling the jolly old strings:
For, bless you, we know
We're as much in the show
As the fellow who dances or sings.
We've got no bouquets,
And they don't wait for days
To see us come out of the door.
We can't write a play,
But if we go away
There won't be no plays anymore.
But there--though we bark we don't bit:
It'll be right on the night.
Enjoy yourselves, do:
For we'll see you through,
Working away in the wings.